The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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