That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
