The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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