i think my tv is drunk
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize