Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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