i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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