Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize