I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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