I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Drunk is a universal language darling
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
