so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
