I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
