When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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