Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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