god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
