Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Couch. On fire.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
