i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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