His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
