Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Randomize
