my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We're too hungover to prance.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
