Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
