its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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