You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
