wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
