I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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