oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Randomize
