i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She announced her abortion via fbk
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
