I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We left an ass print on the piano.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Threesome in a minivan. New low
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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