dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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