Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
