dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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