So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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