hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
