my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
