Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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