I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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