you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
