u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
