The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
