At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
