I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
