if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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