Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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