cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
