Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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