Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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