We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
