just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
