YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
you inspire me to be a worse person
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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