my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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