Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize