My girlfriend figured out who you are.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
