Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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