So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
