Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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