Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
