Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
im six kinds of drunk right now
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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