i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
