Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
