you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
