giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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