I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
