if i can run in heels then i can drive
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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