if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I feel like abortions should bother me more
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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