I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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