Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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