Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
